The Gift That Keeps on Getting

Posted in Uncategorized on February 3, 2010 by Darlene Cunningham

Valentine’s Day.  Typically a holiday I feel is forced on people.  I give my girlfriend gifts all the time.  What’s so special about February 14th?  Quite frankly, I need a break from required gift giving.  I don’t want to buy presents this year.  I’d like to spend some money on myself.

All I am likely to recieve is some gift I don’t really want.  Most likely some knick knack because my girlfriend doesn’t even know me.  And, I will have to act all grateful.  It’s like that ugly sweater your grandmother gave you when you were a kid.  Seriously, after a year and a half of spending every free moment together (bc she freaks if we don’t) shouldn’t she have some sort of clue as to what I like?

I am so unbelievably frustrated right now.  I don’t want to spend a bunch of money on something she will just complain about anyway even though she has been begging for it.  She always finds a reason to complain.   *sigh*

Life on Our Own

Posted in Uncategorized on February 1, 2010 by Darlene Cunningham

Living alone with someone can be burdensome sometimes.  without my former roommate to distract us, all we have are the kids and each other to interact with.  Most of the time that is good, but at other times it is really bad.  All my frustrations and fears get taken out on her because there is no where else for me to focus it.  At the same time, now I don’t have to worry about offending someone if I just want to cuddle on the couch and watch a movie.

I am not used to not working.  I am really stressed by not having money coming in (on my end.)  I feel like I am taking advantage.  I still have my child support and I paid a bunch of bills in advance so that we could survive semester to semester, but I am terrified she will be  overwhelmed.  She won’t leave me, but she will be angry, sullen, and unhappy.  I don’t want to be the cause of someone’s unhappiness.

Kids at Christmas

Posted in Uncategorized on January 2, 2010 by Darlene Cunningham

So, the holidays have come and gone.  I always look forward to Christmas with the glee of a kid.  I anxiously await the gift giving, I pore stores and websites for hours looking for the perfect gift, and I lovingly wrap them all beautifully.  I love giving gifts.

This year was particularly expensive, because I tried to balance the things my kids needed (clothes and shoes) with the things I knew they wanted (toys, toys, and more toys.)  Our tree was piled high underneath and I thought I had reached success!

Christmas morning arrived.  Santa had eaten his cookies and left a beautiful thank you note.  He had laid overflowing stockings at the base of the tree.  The kids woke up….

The unwrapping process is always fun.  I try to keep it slightly organized by having trash bag handy to collect the paper and tissue.  Watching the kids open their gifts…I can’t help but be a little disappointed.  The boots I agonized over for my 8 year old daughter, cast aside for the next gift.  Not even a smile.  The gorgeous clothes I picked, she couldn’t have been less interested, but…All the board games, the make up, and the Hannah Montana book were very well recieved (way to go Grandma on the book!)

My son, he just loves presents.  He loves the unwrapping process.  I guess at 5 the world is a little more sacred at Christmas.  He still gets joy just from tearing the paper…slowly and peeling the tape off tediously.  He goes so slowly, that there are eight presents of his left after everyone else has finished unwrapping.  It makes me laugh.  He was thrilled with his Nike sneakers and his striped rugby sweaters, but even better…Connect Four!!!  The race cars with the loop-d-loop track were pretty fantastic too.

After the unwrapping, we chilled far a bit and then went over to the in-laws to feast and open a few more presents.  I was given season 1 of Buffy!!!  Hells yeah!  Also got a $50 gift card to buy some work clothes.  Awesome.  All in all a good time.

The part that made me sad was when we got home and I found my daughter crying.  I was so sad to see her sitting there in tears, just sobbing.  I asked her what was wrong, expecting that she missed her daddy or that she had gotten hurt, but no,  she informs me that she is sad because she got too many clothes and not enough toys for Christmas and that she is already bored.  I was appalled.  My roommate responded with anger and told her she was grounded, but I rescinded that and sat her down to explain that Christmas is not a right, but a privilege.  I explained that she wasn’t in trouble, but that she was being very ungrateful for all the thought and money and time that had gone into getting her such nice presents.  At first I thought I hadn’t gotten through, but she turned it around.

About half an hour later she came out of her room with a letter for me and a very nice drawing.  “Dear Mommy, I am sorry I was so “ungot-ful” for my nice presents.  I really really like them they are vary vary nice presents. Love J******”

All in all, Christmas was perfect.  A few low points, a couple lessons learned (for her and me,) and a lot of love shared.

Seriously?

Posted in Uncategorized on December 16, 2009 by Darlene Cunningham

I work 50 hours weeks at work, 50 hours!!!  I still don’t have enough to pay everything!  GRRRR!!!  I am so unbelievably frustrated.  I could cry.

Just an Angry Morning

Posted in Uncategorized on December 11, 2009 by Darlene Cunningham

I feel so mad right now.  I know that I should just be mad at me, but I want to be mad at everyone else.  Why am I incapable of saying no?

My boss wants me to work 50 hours weeks and only have one day off…maybe.  The mooch at work needs another ride to work (even though he lives on the other side of town.)  I just can’t tell anyone no.

I don’t want to work an open to close shift the day after Christmas.  I want to spend my day with my kiddos before they go to their dad’s for the rest of their vacation.  I don’t want to give the smelly, pervy, put down guy a ride to work, I don’t like him, he leaves me feeling icky.

Why do people think they can ask all these things of me?  I am only one person.  I have had strep throat for going on two weeks.  Do I get to sleep?  I have dealt with the people at Citi-financial auto for a month now, and they still can’t get the account fixed.  How is this my fault?  I am so fed up.

I get to move out in one month and I gave my girlfriend an ultimatum.  She pays half or she doesn’t move with me.  She has two jobs and she is trying, but I still don’t see her making it.  She wants a parade because she worked all day.  So did I, where’s my parade?  I just get to come home and cook dinner.

I really am this self-centered.  It makes me sick and makes me sad.

Gratitude

Posted in Uncategorized on November 27, 2009 by Darlene Cunningham

This Thanksgiving I am thankful for a good relationship with my ex-husband.  I am thankful that my kids get to see us being healthy whole people again and not just angry bitter spouses.

I am appreciative for my new in-laws.  Without them, I would have no one to celebrate the holiday with.  My family is too far away.

I am happy to have someone holding me as I fall asleep at night and to wake up to every morning.  Many people don’t have love.  Even when she is bugging me, I still love her and am so glad she is in my life.

Most of all, I am thankful for my beautiful kids.  My gorgeous, smart, funny daughter; who is me but so much better and my handsome, loving, sweet son; who gives me every ounce of his little heart even when I don’t deserve it.  They make my life worth living.  Nothing is as important to me or as powerful.

Happy Thanksgiving.  Even if it is a holiday based in controversy, it’s purpose is a good one; celebrate the blessings in your life and focus on them.  It gives you a basis for improving your outlook.  When I sit down and count my blessings, I realize just how lucky I am.

 

No demands

Posted in Uncategorized on November 24, 2009 by Darlene Cunningham

Sometimes I find it hard to be the person everybody wants something from.  I want to have a night where I make what I want to eat, I do what I want to do, and I don’t feel like everyone is demanding something of me, even if it’s just a kiss.  I am trying to do that tonight.  Already, I have a girlfriend who thinks I am mad at her.

Lesbians suck!  We can’t have friends because we could be cheating.  We can’t have our own needs, because then we don’t love our partners.  I can’t possibly really need time to myself.  Something must be wrong.

My girlfriend had all day to be by herself.  I had ten minutes in the car on the way home.  When I walk through the door it’s “whats for dinner” ” where’s my kiss”  ” lets snuggle”  I have no time to just defrag from a day of “I need this shoe in a size 7 narrow.”

When my kids are here, I understand.  What is it about adult lesbian women that results in the disappearance of the individual.  Even when I was married to my ex-husband, I had friends and nights out on my own.  He didn’t think something was wrong if I needed time by myself.  Are lesbians somehow deficient in emotional empathy.  Can they not see the need for time apart.  How can I miss you if you are always there?